Aug 10, 2015

Alderson reiterates innings limit, Announces Dillon Gee as Game 1 Playoff Starter.

Even Dillon Gee is skeptical about this idea. 
Photo:  Zimbio

"Here it is. The plan you keep asking about." Alderson began.  "I have repeatedly told you that we will not compromise the future for the present. And I mean it. My baseball people say that players should have innings limits so they can ease their way into more wear and tear. By dedicating the young guys' innings to meaningful September baseball, we can let the AAA staff bear the brunt of playoff baseball." Alderson stated. 

Alderson went on to describe his vision for the 1 game playoff and short series:

"One game playoff, all the marbles, no question Dillon Gee is our guy. We anticipate Bartolo will be tired and Niese injured. With Dillon up front, we can start game 2 with 2 innings from matz, followed by a now rested Alex Torres. Lest you forget the Mets' roster for the NLCS in 2006 that was so close to doing it all, we figure we will remind you by resigning that rotation for the playoffs. 

1. Dillon Gee
2. Matz/Alex Torres
3. Tom Glavine
4. John Maine
5. El Duque Oliver Perez

Aug 6, 2015

Mets fans distraught, confused, dismayed over six day hiatus from having something to complain about


Mets fans have plenty to cheer about and this is making many of them confused and upset.  With their team mired in a six game win streak, fans are being overwhelmed by optimism. Our very own Syd Pigeon hit the streets to speak to fans. 

"I am distraught, actually. It has been days since I was able to complain about the Mets. I now find myself complaining about having nothing to complain about." Fan Byron Margone explains.

"Yesterday the Mets won 8-6. I found myself complaining over their Road jersey choice. I knew it wasn't a reasonable thing to complain about but I had no other choice. I put a rally cap on just to remember what it felt like. The hat fits much better on my head that way." Mangone continues.

Photo Via: Deadspin

"If David Wright, Cuddyer and Matz all come back without someone else getting injured. I don't know what i'm going to do.  I'm a Mets fan because I have problems setting and dealing with expectations. I have ordered a disappointing looking "replica" Mr. Met costume and I plan to have my wife follow me around and tell me how disappointing I am."  said Fred King. "I am hoping the disappointment of looking at this crude Mr. Met will tide me over until the Mets finally disappoint me again. At this rate, I might have to wait until October for that to happen."

Via:  Alibaba.  

Jul 28, 2015

Tulowitzki awkwardly forced to layover at Laguardia Airport en route to Toronto

Photo: Deadspin

After expressing a professed and repeated demand to not play for the Mets, Troy Tulowitzki was forced to awkwardly layover at Queens, New York's own Laguardia Airport.  His concerns primarily stemmed from the cavernous confines of Citifield and their ability to affect his offense approaching eventual free agency. Secondarily, he was concerned with the overstated, egglike smell of Flushing Marina. 

"Why would they put a Dunkin Donuts right next to this Marina. Who can eat donuts when this bay smells like this. My Latte tastes like rotten eggs."  Tulowitzki questioned. 

With 4 hours to spare, he did visit local Queens airport fares, specifically stopping at the junkyard by Citifield. Tulo came away impressed with the diversity and selection of the junkyard, finding replacement chrome accents for his Polish family heirloom car, the Smyk, depicted below. "Had I known the junkyard offered such a selection, I would have considered being traded here. What? They want to get rid of the junkyards? Get me out of here." 

Original Photo Source:  Wikipedia/FantasySportsNetwork

Jul 26, 2015

Fred Wilpon dismayed, speechless after hometown Dodgers' loss to New York Mets at Ebbetciti Field.

The Mets won last night 15-2 over Fred Wilpon's hometown Brooklyn Dodgers.  This win was particularly embarrassing to Fred as it took place within the stadium he built as an homage to the Dodgers' time in New York.  "I just don't understand how the Mets, the METS were able to beat my Dodgers. Even with the additions of Johnson/Uribe, that can't compare to the Dodgers lineup." Wilpon lamented. 

"After such an embarrassing loss, I think it is going to be even harder to sell the Dodgers on coming back to play here. I even showed them the plans to replace the Apple in CF with the head of Rally Bear, the unofficial mascot." 

At the postgame press conference, Wilpon personally apologized to the Koufax family saying he won't let this happen again. With Greinke on the mound, Fred is confident the Dodgers will win steadily and accept the ballpark as their own. 

Fred did visit the Polo grounds a handful of times as a child. If all else fails, he is hoping the Giants can be convinced to move back here, since the last time they visited they threw a no hitter against the Mets. 

Jul 23, 2015

Intrepid Mets fans hire Game of Thrones' "Shame Nun" to follow, shame Collins for Yesterday's Loss

With taping wrapped up on Season 5, the actress portraying "shame nun" was approached with an admittedly unusual request. "The fans demand accountability, and Shame nun is the way they want to do it" she said, befuddled.  Following Collins throughout the days, shame nun critiqued everything from his pace to his lunch eating, always with two DINGS and a SHAME.  


Shame nun also had time to take a photo with Alderson, Mr. Met (below). 


Mets hold closed door meeting, told to totally ignore bag of steroids on table ;)

Following todays tough loss, Terry Collins held a closed door meeting to discuss the hitters' maladies with them as a group. Raising immediate intrigue was the presense of a big bag labeled STEROIDS, placed rather obviously at the center of the table.

"Listen guys, that was a tough one. That loss is my fault. That said, it is my responsibility to fix things. If we're not going to get better players, we're going to need to make our players better." Collins winked, before immediately doing this over the large array of table STEROIDS.


"Did you get something in your eye?" asked Plawecki, with legitimate concern.
"No my eye is fine. I was just trying to show you guys how great this table and everything on it is. ;)
"STREENGTH BEEEANS?" ʕʘ‿ʘʔ Duda worded the label incorrectly. 
"Sort of. It actually reads STEROIDS!" Collins explained. 

GASP. ಠ_ಠ ๏_๏ ◉_◉ The room exhaled in unison. 
'STEROIDS are not allowed!  Yelled Tejada. 
Mejia sat silently as the conversation continued. 
"Oh, I know guys. That's why you will all have to get rid of it. However you deem the best way to do so ;) " Terry continued.

"I think you got some steroids in your eye!  Go wash it out coach!" Plawecki demanded.
"Sigh"  Terry said as he left the room.

Realizing that nobody was remotely getting the drift, a second closed door meeting was scheduled to discuss the implications of a wink.