Jul 28, 2015

Tulowitzki awkwardly forced to layover at Laguardia Airport en route to Toronto

Photo: Deadspin

After expressing a professed and repeated demand to not play for the Mets, Troy Tulowitzki was forced to awkwardly layover at Queens, New York's own Laguardia Airport.  His concerns primarily stemmed from the cavernous confines of Citifield and their ability to affect his offense approaching eventual free agency. Secondarily, he was concerned with the overstated, egglike smell of Flushing Marina. 

"Why would they put a Dunkin Donuts right next to this Marina. Who can eat donuts when this bay smells like this. My Latte tastes like rotten eggs."  Tulowitzki questioned. 

With 4 hours to spare, he did visit local Queens airport fares, specifically stopping at the junkyard by Citifield. Tulo came away impressed with the diversity and selection of the junkyard, finding replacement chrome accents for his Polish family heirloom car, the Smyk, depicted below. "Had I known the junkyard offered such a selection, I would have considered being traded here. What? They want to get rid of the junkyards? Get me out of here." 

Original Photo Source:  Wikipedia/FantasySportsNetwork

Jul 26, 2015

Fred Wilpon dismayed, speechless after hometown Dodgers' loss to New York Mets at Ebbetciti Field.

The Mets won last night 15-2 over Fred Wilpon's hometown Brooklyn Dodgers.  This win was particularly embarrassing to Fred as it took place within the stadium he built as an homage to the Dodgers' time in New York.  "I just don't understand how the Mets, the METS were able to beat my Dodgers. Even with the additions of Johnson/Uribe, that can't compare to the Dodgers lineup." Wilpon lamented. 

"After such an embarrassing loss, I think it is going to be even harder to sell the Dodgers on coming back to play here. I even showed them the plans to replace the Apple in CF with the head of Rally Bear, the unofficial mascot." 

At the postgame press conference, Wilpon personally apologized to the Koufax family saying he won't let this happen again. With Greinke on the mound, Fred is confident the Dodgers will win steadily and accept the ballpark as their own. 

Fred did visit the Polo grounds a handful of times as a child. If all else fails, he is hoping the Giants can be convinced to move back here, since the last time they visited they threw a no hitter against the Mets. 

Jul 23, 2015

Intrepid Mets fans hire Game of Thrones' "Shame Nun" to follow, shame Collins for Yesterday's Loss

With taping wrapped up on Season 5, the actress portraying "shame nun" was approached with an admittedly unusual request. "The fans demand accountability, and Shame nun is the way they want to do it" she said, befuddled.  Following Collins throughout the days, shame nun critiqued everything from his pace to his lunch eating, always with two DINGS and a SHAME.  


Shame nun also had time to take a photo with Alderson, Mr. Met (below). 


Mets hold closed door meeting, told to totally ignore bag of steroids on table ;)

Following todays tough loss, Terry Collins held a closed door meeting to discuss the hitters' maladies with them as a group. Raising immediate intrigue was the presense of a big bag labeled STEROIDS, placed rather obviously at the center of the table.

"Listen guys, that was a tough one. That loss is my fault. That said, it is my responsibility to fix things. If we're not going to get better players, we're going to need to make our players better." Collins winked, before immediately doing this over the large array of table STEROIDS.


"Did you get something in your eye?" asked Plawecki, with legitimate concern.
"No my eye is fine. I was just trying to show you guys how great this table and everything on it is. ;)
"STREENGTH BEEEANS?" ʕʘ‿ʘʔ Duda worded the label incorrectly. 
"Sort of. It actually reads STEROIDS!" Collins explained. 

GASP. ಠ_ಠ ๏_๏ ◉_◉ The room exhaled in unison. 
'STEROIDS are not allowed!  Yelled Tejada. 
Mejia sat silently as the conversation continued. 
"Oh, I know guys. That's why you will all have to get rid of it. However you deem the best way to do so ;) " Terry continued.

"I think you got some steroids in your eye!  Go wash it out coach!" Plawecki demanded.
"Sigh"  Terry said as he left the room.

Realizing that nobody was remotely getting the drift, a second closed door meeting was scheduled to discuss the implications of a wink.

Jul 20, 2015

AshleyMadison hack leaks longstanding tryst between Mrs. Met, Phillie Phanatic

Original Photo Sources:  Youtube, WCPO, BMJ2K

Details continue to be forthcoming but initial leaks reveal that Mrs. Met and the Phillie Phanatic have been having an ongoing affair via extra-marital affair site, Ashley Madison.  Questions abound, including how both were able to  type messages successfully with their giant hands and when they were able to meet, given their rigorous mascotting schedules.  

Trying to explain herself, Mrs. Met details that the fire isn't there anymore. "I've never seen such a Lazy Lazy Mary in all our years together. He barely claps his hands to "Everybody clap your hands." He can't even get the t-shirt cannon up like he used to, if you know what I mean" Mrs. Met proclaimed, before pantomiming a bazooka that literally shoots t-shirts. She explains that despite the Phillies' inferior record, the phanatic is exciting, especially when he hornsound/toot/wohwoh/trombone noises.

Mr. Met could not be reached for comment, although word is he plans to reach out to Rosie Red from Cincinnati.

Jul 19, 2015

Jul 18, 2015

Quickpic: Hat Collins uses to pick daily lineup from revealed to be brown velvet, cowboy.

Photo Source: Patinawhite.typepad.com

Mets Fans' proposed Kickstarter campaign to fund cleanup bat drawing ire over permissibility, ingenuity.

Photosources:  MLBlogs/ Kickstarter Project

A group of  arguably ingenious Mets fans have scoured the MLB bylaws, finding a loophole they feel will finally solve the team's cleanup bat problem. Specifically, rule 12.07(b)(3)1447(s) of the MLB Acquisition Rules permits a team to accept and borrow a player from an independent team by purchasing the contract for at least a nominal fee. The intrepid fans have formed an offshore shell baseball team called the Switzerland Cheeses. The team currently has a lot of holes in it, (the pun being intended), which should be solved by phase 2 of the plans.  The team put together a submission for approval, suggesting the following hat and mascot for the fake team:

Swiss Steve, The Cheeses' Proposed Mascot
                                                     Photo Source:  Costummer.com

Phase 2:
The fans plan to establish tiers of pledges, raising amounts they feel will be enough to purchase the contracts of certain players from their respective teams. Proposed Examples set forth Below:

Asked for comment, Kickstarter's staff simply responded "That doesn't sound like something we would remotely allow" causing the fans to consider Indiegogo.

Asked about the prospect of playing for the Cheeses, Mike Trout responded by asking to speak with his agent, possibly showing intrigue. Upon further explanation that he would ultimately end up playing for the Mets, he invoked his partial no trade clause.

Teams quick to rebut demands for players with ludicrous prices were shocked when told that amount might be possible, if the pledge reaches its goal.

Once the Switzerland Cheeses have acquired the players from the pledges, it will be as simple as the Mets offering a nominal fee to purchase and acquire the player's contract.  The Wilpons and Alderson thus far have asked the Cheeses to "define nominal" being unwilling to offer more than $100.00 for any one contract. That said, the Swiss Cheeses may trade Albert Pujols, if acquired, for Kirk Niuwenhuis.

Jul 17, 2015

Cardinals "totally permissibly" access Mets computer System, Learn that Mets don't Yoke their Oxen

Source:  Lucas Duda Instagram/Tumblr/Lifeisasunset blogspot.

Hoping to glean what makes the Mets pitchers so good, unnamed members of the "Cardinals' Way Totally Permissible Access Others' Computers Staff" (CWTPAOCS) were surprised to learn that their totally permissible ways to access computers were not even necessary in the case with the Mets. 

Entering the supposed digital hive of mets' digital scouting, they were greeted by Lucas Duda and Ruben Tejada casually seated at an Apple II. 

"Hi guys, come play!" Ruben exclaimed. CWTPAOCS members cautiously approached and saw that the two ballplayers were sharing a game on the 37 year old computer. 

"This is where we play our favorite games, Oregon Trail and Where is Carmen Sandiego!" Duda belted way too loudly for the small room.  He continued to explain that they were just starting a new game. "This is how we play!  Banker!" said Duda. 

They named their members after teammates. Early into their journey, David Wright succumbed to dysentery. Boldly continuing the journey, the duo went out for a hunt, shooting a buffalo but only returning with 200 lbs to the wagon. 

Once they got to Fort Laramie they had to flip the disc, which only Ruben is allowed to do.  "Duda crushed our copy of Word Munchers" Ruben sadly exclaimed. Duda frowned. 

Asked whether there were any other computers, the two explained this was the only computer they had. They assured CWTPAOCS, however, that the program makes all the tough decisions. They also explained that Terry decides matchups based on random lists he types  in Bank Street Writer. 

As September approached in the game, the remaining travelers grew weary.  At the big blue river,  the tag team were faced with the tough decision of fording the river, floating or yoking their oxen.  "Ford ahead Traveler Terry!" Duda yelled, again too loudly. "You can do it Sheriff Sandy!"  Tejada cheered. The two loudly wept for the oxen they lost after their wagon sank to the bottom of the river. Other people would read into this September metaphor of fording ahead without doing anything, but the CWTPAOCS had to board a flight to Chicago, to figure out whether internal computer documents support the rumors that Chris Sale is for Sale and Robin Ventura's weakness is noogies. 

Quickpic: Mets Owners, GM ask Cuddyer to work on new magic trick, make self and contractual obligations disappear.

Picsource:  MLB.com

John Smoltz Continues His Thought, Says Mets Lineup Way Worse Than 1990s Braves Lineup

Photo: foxsports.com

After the former Atlanta Braves pitcher and current MLB Network analyst spoke highly of the New York Mets' current pitching rotation, comparing it favorably to the all-star Braves rotation of the 1990s, Smoltz cleared his throat and continued his thought.

"Of course, the Braves batting lineup then can actually hit a fastball right down the middle, unlike those pathetic excuses of hitters the Mets have now. Good lord, it makes me embarrassed to have played the same game. Ugly too. I mean, I'm no Ryan Klesko, but man, it doesn't matter where you bat the pitcher, 8th or 9th, it's ugos from top to bottom."

Jul 16, 2015

Mets announce callup of DavZackrryvisar D'AWriguellervins, Frankenstein utility player

Photo Source: Many

Realizing that David Wright's back and Travis D'Arnaud's arms would be constant future concerns, the Mets surprised fans today by calling up relative unknown DavZackrryvisar D'AWriguellervins, frankenstein utility player. Composed of the forearms of David Wright, the face of Jerry Blevins, the back and goatee of Travis D'Arnaud, the left leg of Cesar Puello, the right foot of Mr. Met and the brains of Zack Wheeler, DavZachrryvisar will finally give the mets the versatility of a superutility player without having to trade or spend for one (P, C, 3b, OF, Mascot). Ironically, if DavZachrryvisar can be said to have an achilles heel it would be his achilles heel, borrowed from Adam Wainwright.

Quickpic Day 4: Flores enthused, relieved and fed as people show up at stadium for Foo Fighters Concert

Original Photo Credit:  Facebook Post/NJ.com
After  Shake Shack vendor Steve recognized the confused Flores, he fed Flores for the first time in three days, before explaining to Wilmer that the Mets were off on all star break. Wilmer responded with a well calculated "oh... yeah" suggesting he totally knew that at one point.  He further suggested Wilmer stay for the Foo Fighters concert.  Wilmer's favorite part of the set was when they played Everlong, as if there was some chance that they wouldn't.

Jul 14, 2015

Kirk Nieuwenhuis Regrets Hosting All-Star Game Viewing Party

Photo: 2guystalkingmetsbaseball.com

After Sunday's game, in which he hit a record-breaking three home runs in one game, an excited Kirk Nieuwenhuis invited the entire team over to watch tonight's Major League All-Star Game.

The trouble began for the reserve outfielder when the sixth player entered his humble apartment, initiating the first of many complaints about a lack of seating options. Then, manager Terry Collins arrived, and proceeded to constantly praise Harold Reynolds as a broadcaster and do his Borat impersonation ("He must have overheard me inviting the fellas," Nieuwenhuis offered at the post-party press conference.) General manager Sandy Alderson was tasked to bring the popular electronic game Catch Phrase, but did not arrive until the sixth inning, and unexpectedly brought the original version, and without the timer, which he proudly claimed he sold at a "good" price.

Matt Harvey kept talking about his first career home run, which he hit on Saturday, referring to it simply as the "Harvey Banger." No Met complained, but Ruben Tejada notably began to cry upon the tenth utterance of "Harvey Banger."

Ike Davis was invited, and mostly kept quiet. However, to Lucas Duda's annoyance, Davis sat next to the current Mets first baseman and kept elbowing him in the ribs "a little too hard" after any remotely decent play by a first baseman during the game.

Michael Cuddyer had to urinate "a lot," "even for an old man," said one anonymous player.

Daniel Murphy complained about the apartment only having one bathroom before saying he didn't believe in washing his hands.

Travis d'Arnaud hogged the remote, and rudely just assumed he could spend the night. The next morning, he flatly denied snoring, despite admitting that it wasn't the first time he was accused of such a thing.

Jeurys Familia silently watched, ignoring everybody. During the 9th inning, he took out a tiny sticker of himself and stuck it on the television screen, to make it look like he was closing out the game.

Quickpic: MLB Considering new "Physical Challenge" Replay Revision

Tip:  Yelling "Double Dare" and "physical challenge" while umpires review clear safe call at baseball game really gets the 27 to 35 year olds laughing.

Quickpic: Day 2: "Hey guys, where is everyone? Are you there Mr. Met, it's me Wilmer."

Jul 13, 2015

David Wright on Upswing, not yet cleared for Downswing, Straight Swing or Bunt Swing.

Photo Source:  Times Union/AP

Sandy Alderson recently clarified that David Wright's status is essentially unchanged: David Wright's Status Unchanged.  This called into question Terry Collins' seemingly contradictory statement that David Wright was on the upswing. Asked to clarify his statement, Collins explained that they are both right about Wright.

"When I said he was on the upswing, I meant just that. His back only allows him to upswing right now. He has attempted a downswing but that set him back a good week. At this point he is not allowed to bunt swing either. We hope he can come back even if its just to be our upswing specialist off the bench sometime before the end of the year."

Jonathan Niese asks internet for superhero moniker, given Lamest version of Aquaman

Original Photo Source:  Daily News/Sodahead

Instantly regretting his decision to ask the internet for a superhero moniker, Jonathan Niese was today dubbed with the nickname Aquaman.

At first Niese took it as a positive, hoping he was given the cool-ish claw armed Gorton's fisherman version of Aquaman. When told, that the internet further specified that it be the 1960s Superfriends version, Niese's enthusiasm quickly turned to a scowl.

"This meeting of the Metstice league is called to order", Matt Harvey proclaimed, in a throaty imitation of Christian Bale's Batman. Today we welcome our newest superhero and protector of Flushing Bay, Jon Niese (clap clap clap).

"By the power of Mjolnir we welcome you"  Syndergaard proclaimed.
"Hulk smash" Lucas Duda cheered as he entered the room unaware a meeting was going on.
"The Flash approves"  Granderson proclaimed.
"Captain Oww-merica here!"  Wright said as he lifted his shield a little.
"Well, I guess I can learn to live with this" Niese groaned.
"Shut up Aquaman", said the room emphatically in unison.
"I can't wait to be traded" muttered Aquaman under his breath.

Mets are trending toward 162 game regular season (Edited)

Kirk Nieuwnenhuis (above) is super excited. 
Source:  Larry Brown Sports

Based upon Messbog's reading and counting of the game schedule (counted by hand twice), the Mets appear to be trending towards a 162 game regular season. This, of course does not consider certain x-factors, like whether a meaningless September game will get replayed after rainout or whether they actually played all those games in the earlier months of the schedule. This number is a pure estimate, I figured it out by doubling 81.

Edit:  Originally we posted that there were 180 games, this was based on doubling 47-42 record at the half, times two. Apparently, the mini schedule says we are beyond the half. Drats.

Jul 12, 2015

Ray Ramirez cautiously updates Workplace Injury Poster

Original Photo Source:  Getty Images

Concerned about "jinxing" things, Mets Head athletic trainer Ray Ramirez cautiously updated the Dugout injury poster to reflect 1 day without injuries.  As he squeaked the marker slowly down the board, he caught eyes with Jenrry Mejia across the bench. Mejia appeared visibly distraught. Asked what was wrong, he explained that the marker squeak hurt his ears and he will need a few days to work it off. Ramirez, exhaled, and asked if the four All Star days off will be enough to recover. Mejia, however insisted on a 15 day DL stint.

Ramirez huffed once again, asking if anyone saw the dry eraser. As he asked, he saw today's 3 homerun hero Kirk Nieuwenhuis' foot stepping directly on it before propelling him to the ground. 
Asked for comment, Ramirez responded, channeling his inner Michael Scott. 

Jul 11, 2015

Mets announce mandatory hitting camp during All Star Break

Photo Source:  USA Today

Following another narrow victory, one thing has become readily apparent to Terry Collins, namely that the team's best, most consistent hitters are its pitchers. With DeGrom away for the all star game, Collins has announced that Syndergaard, Colon and Harvey will helm a hitting camp for the Mets' lineup.

Harvey, having hit a 2 run homer in today's 4-2 victory certainly is no slouch to understanding what it takes to hit.  Syndergaard, excited to start the training camp, explained that he wants to first focus on the basic rules of the game with the players, and specifically to explain that hitting the ball over the fences is a good thing.  "One thing I realized in discussions with the players, they thought the high fences were meant to keep the ball in the stadium. They were concerned that by hitting it over the fence, team brass would respond by making the fences even taller. This makes sense, since we did play that one game in Boston." he explained.

Colon's primary responsibility, meanwhile, will be form coaching. "I want to make sure everyone holds the bat with the bigger end out. I've noticed that works really well. Also, if you keep your hands near the skinny part of the bat, momentum works in your favor.  If your helmet falls off, you swung strong enough to hit it." he explained.

In touch with technology, the team will provided HP Touchpads preloaded with Best of Bartolo Colon Hitting videos to all attendees. They have been advised to keep them scratch free as they have to be returned to Fred's Rentatablet.  Colon hopes to surpass David Wright's 2015 hits total of 11 hits, a record set by David Wright back at the start of the season.

GIF Source:  USA- The Big Lead

Syndergaard strikes out 13, returns to Asgard for lunch with Odin and Loki

Source:  Marvel's Avengers

Noah Syndergaard masterfully struck out 13 yesterday. Following the performance, he said he was hungry and that he planned to go his hometown for lunch.  Noah was seen spinning his Mjolnir and flying off into the distance (Marvel's tribute to Noah depicted above). Word is he planned to dine with Odin and Loki at Asgard's Shake Shack. Apparently it's one of the only reasons to go to Asgard. No word on whether Bobby Parnell gave him permission.  

Some were quick to criticize Noah's choice of travel, saying his solo travels to one of the Nine Worlds and home to the Æsir tribe of gods would negatively detriment teamwork, or something equally implausible. Noah was quick to rebut the criticism, saying "What mythological realm of the Gods I choose to go to on my free time is none of your business, even if I put it on Thorstagram" before retorting "Besides, nobody gives Bart grief for going to Mount Olympus on offdays."

Original Source: Copyright 2012-2014 giovanino from DeviantArt

Bartolo could not be found for comment, as he was too busy enjoying Bacchanalian revelry at Mount Olympus with the Satyrs.


Source  Taddeo Zuccari, 1551,  Bartolo and Oil on Canvas

Jul 10, 2015

Mets hold press conference to announce they have acquired Nobody

Photo Source: MLB.com

At 4;45 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, the Mets held an impromptu press conference to announce their newest acquisition, Nobody.  Nobody appeared with Sandy Alderson at the press conference today. Nobody was seated next to Sandy. Alderson was quick to praise nobody, saying that nobody is better than Duda, nobody is better than Wright, nobody bests Flores, although anybody, currently on the Phillies, is better than Tejada.

Pressed for comment, Nobody had much to say about the acquisition. Nobody will wear no one.

Terry Collins, seated next to Nobody, had nothing but praise to heap on the newest acquisition. I can see nobody supplanting one of our regular outfielders. Nobody brings much to the table. With the trade deadline still 21 days away, we might still have one or two moves up our sleeves, Alderson coyly reported, before accidentally sitting on top of nobody.

Quickpic: Mets' Alderson, Matz schedule 3:30 pm DePress conference, to make everyone feel sad about Matz's injuries