Jul 17, 2015

Cardinals "totally permissibly" access Mets computer System, Learn that Mets don't Yoke their Oxen

Source:  Lucas Duda Instagram/Tumblr/Lifeisasunset blogspot.

Hoping to glean what makes the Mets pitchers so good, unnamed members of the "Cardinals' Way Totally Permissible Access Others' Computers Staff" (CWTPAOCS) were surprised to learn that their totally permissible ways to access computers were not even necessary in the case with the Mets. 

Entering the supposed digital hive of mets' digital scouting, they were greeted by Lucas Duda and Ruben Tejada casually seated at an Apple II. 

"Hi guys, come play!" Ruben exclaimed. CWTPAOCS members cautiously approached and saw that the two ballplayers were sharing a game on the 37 year old computer. 

"This is where we play our favorite games, Oregon Trail and Where is Carmen Sandiego!" Duda belted way too loudly for the small room.  He continued to explain that they were just starting a new game. "This is how we play!  Banker!" said Duda. 

They named their members after teammates. Early into their journey, David Wright succumbed to dysentery. Boldly continuing the journey, the duo went out for a hunt, shooting a buffalo but only returning with 200 lbs to the wagon. 

Once they got to Fort Laramie they had to flip the disc, which only Ruben is allowed to do.  "Duda crushed our copy of Word Munchers" Ruben sadly exclaimed. Duda frowned. 

Asked whether there were any other computers, the two explained this was the only computer they had. They assured CWTPAOCS, however, that the program makes all the tough decisions. They also explained that Terry decides matchups based on random lists he types  in Bank Street Writer. 

As September approached in the game, the remaining travelers grew weary.  At the big blue river,  the tag team were faced with the tough decision of fording the river, floating or yoking their oxen.  "Ford ahead Traveler Terry!" Duda yelled, again too loudly. "You can do it Sheriff Sandy!"  Tejada cheered. The two loudly wept for the oxen they lost after their wagon sank to the bottom of the river. Other people would read into this September metaphor of fording ahead without doing anything, but the CWTPAOCS had to board a flight to Chicago, to figure out whether internal computer documents support the rumors that Chris Sale is for Sale and Robin Ventura's weakness is noogies. 

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