Jul 14, 2015

Kirk Nieuwenhuis Regrets Hosting All-Star Game Viewing Party

Photo: 2guystalkingmetsbaseball.com

After Sunday's game, in which he hit a record-breaking three home runs in one game, an excited Kirk Nieuwenhuis invited the entire team over to watch tonight's Major League All-Star Game.

The trouble began for the reserve outfielder when the sixth player entered his humble apartment, initiating the first of many complaints about a lack of seating options. Then, manager Terry Collins arrived, and proceeded to constantly praise Harold Reynolds as a broadcaster and do his Borat impersonation ("He must have overheard me inviting the fellas," Nieuwenhuis offered at the post-party press conference.) General manager Sandy Alderson was tasked to bring the popular electronic game Catch Phrase, but did not arrive until the sixth inning, and unexpectedly brought the original version, and without the timer, which he proudly claimed he sold at a "good" price.

Matt Harvey kept talking about his first career home run, which he hit on Saturday, referring to it simply as the "Harvey Banger." No Met complained, but Ruben Tejada notably began to cry upon the tenth utterance of "Harvey Banger."

Ike Davis was invited, and mostly kept quiet. However, to Lucas Duda's annoyance, Davis sat next to the current Mets first baseman and kept elbowing him in the ribs "a little too hard" after any remotely decent play by a first baseman during the game.

Michael Cuddyer had to urinate "a lot," "even for an old man," said one anonymous player.

Daniel Murphy complained about the apartment only having one bathroom before saying he didn't believe in washing his hands.

Travis d'Arnaud hogged the remote, and rudely just assumed he could spend the night. The next morning, he flatly denied snoring, despite admitting that it wasn't the first time he was accused of such a thing.

Jeurys Familia silently watched, ignoring everybody. During the 9th inning, he took out a tiny sticker of himself and stuck it on the television screen, to make it look like he was closing out the game.


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