Jul 8, 2015

Mets hire new Strength and Conditioning Coach, Billy, the Puppet from the Saw Movies

The Mets have announced that they are hiring Billy the puppet from the Saw movies to help the players work on their strength, agility and timing.

During the impromptu press conference, Billy started the introduction with "Hello, I want to play a game." Asked about his tricycle, Billy silently wheeled across the stage before explaining that media members had 3 minutes to escape the room. One media member questioned "Why baseball?  why now?" He continued counting down time before responding "When you are in hell, only the devil can help you out." Asked what sorts of training he would incorporate for players, the Saw puppet responded that he would institute "A core training routine involving kettle bells, squats, an electrified staircase, a chair covered in knives and jump rope."  The media room was in a frenzy as the ceiling of the room continually lowered, before the puppet explained that he was joking before ending the presser with his catchphrase, "Game Over" to raucous applause.

In other, totally unrelated news, the team has taken out insurance policies on every single player covering such anomalies as hamstring pull, twisted ankle, Tommy John surgery, having an iron mask snap onto your head if you don't complete a puzzle in an alloted time and other normal expeccted training related injuries.  This hiring comes after the mets learned insurance will cover 75% of David Wright's salary after being on the disabled list for over 60 days and again, we were assured is TOTALLY unrelated.

No comments:

Post a Comment